Sometimes I'm full of thoughts

Sometimes you stay up, pondering on the journey called life, going over the decisions you've made but not necessarily with regrets, thanking God for his presence all through.

Sometimes you realize that you have all it takes to be great but you look around and you don't feel that greatness therein.

Sometimes you go through all these thought processes alone with the concerns that no one would understand or the inclination that no one is there.

I went about my day like it was normal, I did do some unusual fun activity but I didn't have fun, I pretended to be living my dream, I was superficially happy, I laughed at the jokes and smiled at the gestures, it was as if I was acting a movie 🎬. It was better there than nowhere, I felt I was getting used to staying indoors, don't get me wrong I love staying indoors but the thoughts of getting too used to it awakens me from my sleep, I had to step out more often, I'm not an introvert I tell myself, go out, you could meet people.

I bring you greetings from my inner thoughts, I wish you would greet me back, say a prayer for me while you're at it, because my mind is unsettled, the mind of a young man in search of something he doesn't even know,  the mind of an ambitious man that keeps wanting, I have always told myself to settle, but for what? I call them mediocrity and yes, honestly, it is what it is. I think about what I want, I want to take a break from my pursuit but things keep popping up, I can't stop myself from trying to get on with solving them, I would have to let God help me.

Sometimes I keep faith, believing that God has my needs on check and my destiny intact, sometimes it proves right and it seems like God has shown me a sign. Believe me when things go south I rethink my stance but here I am back again reaffirming to myself that I was never wrong, God is indeed in control. Maybe one day my story will be told, maybe there is no one day, but in any case I would want to lean back and let my God decide, enough of all these worries and more on believing. 

I am in between making a decision on a project, I don't know what to expect, I want to do it but at the same time, I don't want to make mistakes, I'm scared to do it, from my mental calculations, it seems right, I'm looking for God's approval but I can't find it checking out. I am listening inwards but all I can hear is myself saying just do it. I woke up this afternoon and decided to give it a chance, it didn't pull off and instead of worrying, I sensed peace and that's when I knew it was God not wanting me to do it, atleast not today.

I listened to a clergy preach, he said "for you to know a man after God, it is not about prayer but he may pray, it is not about fasting but he may fast, for you to know a man after God, it is a broken man" I pondered on his words, I asked myself, what breaks a man, certainly he won't break himself yes? I arrived at the conclusion that God leads you through several path that would shaped you, break you. I know I'm broken, I do tell life, break me into so many pieces but there is  can  broken again, it's smaller than an atom (the once indivisible particle of an element) I am inproton, neutron and electron form of my brokenness,  I am harnessing strength from wherever I can.

Tonight, I pick up my pen to document my thoughts, sometimes I wish I could do this more often, I'm a lazy writer afterall and this isn't even my best piece.